There is no lack of Dating Advice out there, doled out in self improvement guides and magazines, and from loved ones. A portion of this exhortation can be very useful, yet a lot of it is mixed up and dependent on close to home encounters and conclusions, as opposed to real research about connections. Beneath, I go up against five regular bits of dating exhortation that are confused or level out off-base.
1. If you’re interested in someone, play hard to get.
Many relationship advice books tell women that they should play hard to get if they hope to attract a man. According to this strategy, men like what they can’t have, so a woman should act uninterested in the man she desires. She should ignore his phone calls and pretend to be busy when he asks for a date.
Research does suggest that we are most attracted to people who are selective in who they choose to date. But it does not follow from this that we are most attracted to people who act as if they do not like us. In fact, research on reciprocity shows that we like people who like us. We are also unlikely to pursue someone we believe is out of our league.
The best strategy may be to show the person you’re interested in that you have high standards, but to also let them know that they meet those standards. You don’t want to appear desperate, but you should still show your interest. Essentially, you want to send the message, “I’m picky, but I like you.” Playing too hard to get can send the message: “I don’t like you.” Do you really want to date the kind of person who continues to pursue someone who is sending signals that they’re not interested?
2. When you meet the right person, you’ll know right away.
One comforting piece of advice is that when the right person comes along, you’ll just magically know. Maybe you’ll even experience love at first sight. Unfortunately for those romantics out there, the evidence suggests that there’s no magic.
In a series of studies, Paul Eastwick and colleagues tracked people’s memories of various relationship experiences across the entire course of their relationships, both short-term and long-term. They found that early in a relationship, the timing of various relationship milestones (e.g., first kiss, first sexual encounter) and the strength of people’s feelings toward their partner was the same for both short and long-term relationships. It was only later on that the researchers saw differences between relationships that lasted and relationships that eventually fizzled.
But what about love at first sight? Research shows that many people believe they have experienced it.2 But in fact, the research suggests that this feeling of “love” is really just a feeling of intense physical attraction — more akin to lust. And many people who report “love at first sight” with their current partner are just projecting their current feelings onto their initial encounters with that person.
3. Focus on putting your best foot forward until you’re firmly committed.
Some dating advice suggests that the courtship experience should be approached as a game with the end goal of snagging a partner: Carefully monitor your behavior and the impression that you create in order to win the prize of a committed relationship.
It’s true that first impressions matter and that you should generally be on good behavior on your early dates. Opening up too soon is generally viewed as socially inappropriate and is likely to turn someone off. But sometimes this advice goes too far. For example, the authors of The Rulesadvise women to hide some personal information from a boyfriend for the first few months, until they are sure he is madly in love with them, in case any of these personal revelations could turn him off and cause him to leave. But waiting months to share personal information with a romantic partner is a recipe for a shallow relationship, and mutual sharing of personal information is one of the key building blocks of intimacy. If you keep everything light, you will never develop emotional intimacy with each other. Someone who falls in love with you in the absence of emotional intimacy is probably not someone you want to form a lasting relationship with. In fact, a relationship free of emotional intimacy is what people with avoidant attachment styles desire — that is, an intimacy-free courtship will appeal to an intimacy-avoidant person.
4. Opposites attract, so try to find someone really different than you.
People often claim that opposites attract. However, it is much more often the case that birds of a feather flock together. They also tend to have fewer conflicts, making for smoother relationships.
There are times when someone with a quality that is very much the opposite of ourselves may fascinate us. Maybe you’re very cautious and conservative and are excited by someone who is spontaneous and unconventional. Maybe you’re very emotional and find the perspective of someone who is highly rational to be eye-opening. However, research on “fatal attractions” suggests that these sorts of opposite qualities may initially attract us, but ultimately end up being sources of friction. That cautious person becomes irritated with a partner who is reckless and disorganized, and that emotional person is frustrated by an overly rational partner and begins to feel like they’re dating a robot.
5. You’ll only meet liars and weirdos if you date online.
Online daters do sometimes lie about their age and physical appearance. However, research shows that extreme lies are rare because people who are looking to develop relationships with those they meet online realize that such lies will eventually be revealed, and when they are, it would likely spell the end of the relationship.
There is also a stereotype that people who use online dating are desperate because they are unable to get a date “in real life.” Contrary to this picture, research shows that there are almost no personality differences between people who date online and those who don’t. In fact, one study found that people who met their spouses online were more likely to be of higher socioeconomic status than those who met offline.